Dear Diary,
I’m sitting on a train with Jack on our way back home. I’m feeling little sick and got really bad head ache. The only thing that is jammed in my head was the voice of Jack convincing me for an operation, just in few minutes ago. I did expect him offering me for an operation but somehow after hearing it for real it feels awkward and little upsetting. Actually I’m extremely depressing right now. He said that he would respect my decision and not to harm me in any way but it all sounds like a lie to me. Even it brought me a question of does he really love me…?
It has been long since I’ve seen him shaking his hands and touching his beards habitually when he says something that he is not sure of. I also want to have good and smooth relationship between us and all of a sudden because of this miserable creature it has messed up all of our lovely relationship.
When I first noticed about my pregnancy, I didn’t tell anyone and kept it secret by myself because I was in panic and scared of the reaction from Jack. So after knowing the truth, I went out for drink with him as usual. I didn’t want to think of anything and just set my brain in blank sheet of paper. But naturally, this major decision has driven me crazy and kept me in a serious mood. But for Jack it seemed like he just wanted to get rid of it quickly and not to get bothered of thinking. I love Jack so much that I can’t imagine my life without him. In this situation if I keep the baby, it would not bring a disaster toward our relationship but Jack might change... On the other hand, if I abort this living creature that is growing inside of my womb right now, I would not be able to stand all those guiltiness. I actually pretended the baby as useless in front of Jack during the conversation because his blathering made me stressful.
These few days after noticing myself being pregnant, I went out for drink with Jack more often. Because normally that is what we do when we meet up. The moment that we drink together, it feels like this peace has been settled with us and could only focus on each other. Moreover it helps me to forget about anything that holds my back so tight; about the fact I’m pregnant and an operation.
Just in few minutes ago, I have seen a white elephant out in the lines of the hills. Somehow the white elephants seemed as my unborn baby that is casual, but discussing the possibilities of having an abortion. Although when I kept staring at it, it no longer seemed as a white elephant to me. In some way, by looking at these hills, I kind of got this feeling of wanting the baby and think in lovely way.
The more I had conversation with Jack the deeper inside of my heart was painful. That is why I did not want to discuss nor listen to his irresponsible stories. I am still not sure what I should do with this baby, but for now I am opening for both sides of possibilities so that I would not regret in the future. I will think about this tomorrow again and right now I should get some sleep…