Josh and I promised that we are not going to sleep together until we get married. But at one inn in Barcelona, everything got so askew.
After looking around in Barcelona, I felt it was a bit late. We are travellers--we did not prepare anything in advance. If there was not a hotel, we should have spent all night outside with all of our stuff: two heavy bags and two carriers. So we limped along, looking for it for about three hours, and finally we got one ‘inn’ on the outskirts of Barcelona.
Looking for somewhere to sleep in Barcelona was not even a problem. The real one? It came right after Josh and I got into an inn. I asked the receptionist what kind of rooms were left, but she was not able to speak in English. She said something like “Rooms are there”, but she could not do her job as a receptionist. Then what she would do was unexpected… She stood up, gestured to us to follow her, and climbed the steps till we got to the third floor. She pointed at the room at the very end of the aisle, the corner. So I argued I needed a separate room from Josh’s, and he nodded. But oh my god, saying something in Spanish, she was like, I have already done my job.
Josh told me to just get into the room first. But then, everything happened. He was not who I knew anymore. What should I do now?
August 28, 1926
What’s so frustrating about Josh is that he appears to be caring for me but actually he isn’t. Did he ever listen to me carefully? I was saying that he and I were in a room full of white elephant because we were pretending not to be caring about the baby that I am going to give birth to if I do not abort. But he didn’t even answer what I said. I remember he asked if I wanted another drink.
Did Josh even try to be in my shoes? His stance towards abortion is a bit weird. He told me “It’s not an operation at all.” At that moment, I was really outraged. How could he say that? I think I am the victim of this situation, but he was only being a bystander! More than that, he only says something that is not promised in the future. Without anything guaranteed, Josh told we are going to be happy after all. How in the world can I believe that…?
There is no signal from my womb that there is a baby inside yet. But I rather would be feeling better if I can feel the baby inside. Before the clear signs start to show, Josh might say it’s nothing that we really have to care about. But once they do start to show, his attitudes might be different because he will really feel that there is a creature inside me. Another creature, right inside my body.
We are going to have a few more days together in here Spain and go back to the States. There is nobody to accompany me to help me here in Spain, so I will let Josh be together with me, but when I go back there, I will not see him for some time until he firmly decides on how the relationship between us and the baby are going to be.