The rage in Emile Griffin was extreme. I was at the fight that night, I had never seen a fight like it. It was scheduled for fifteen founds, but they fought without stopping from the bell which began the round to the bell which ended it, and then they fought after the bell, sometimes for as much as fifteen seconds before the referee.
--Norman Mailer, “The Death of Benny Paret”
Emilie Griffin was angry. The fight that night I witnessed, something I have never seen before. Of the fifteen continuous rounds they fought, both the bell and the referee were simply ignored. Even after the bell, the two kept fighting.
(Mister Wu)
--Norman Mailer, “The Death of Benny Paret”
Emilie Griffin was angry. The fight that night I witnessed, something I have never seen before. Of the fifteen continuous rounds they fought, both the bell and the referee were simply ignored. Even after the bell, the two kept fighting.
(Mister Wu)
Instructions: Both responses were composed on a timed exam. Read each response below. Which entry would to allot the higher grade? Provide the reasons for your decision.
Student Response: Alpha
In Mailer’s version, his second sentence uses asyndeton which speeds up the rhythm of his writing. In Mr. Wu’s version there is an ellipsis, but it isn’t as effective because the ‘fight’ should be placed closer to the ending emphatic position. Mailer’s third sentence talks about some details about the fighting, so it’s very effective to end the second sentence with an emphasis on the fight. I feel Mailer’s passage is better because it uses a short sentence about the summary and a long sentence to express his disbelief of the details. His rhythm suits his tone. Mr. Wu’s passage has little diversity in sentence length, and it should use more diversity to achieve an effective rhythm.
Student Response: Beta
The first sentence puts focus on the intensity of the rage of Emile Griffin by establishing ‘The rage’ as the subject and putting the word extreme at the end of the sentence, the emphatic position. In contrast ‘Emile was angry’ is much more dull for the focus shifts to the person rather than his rage, when ‘Emile Griffin’ is placed as the subject. Mailer ended the second sentence with ‘it’ and started the third sentence with ‘it’ again. This establishes a flow in rhythm that the revision lacks.
Also, Mailer’s third sentence consists of many clauses fixed together. This establishes a quick, continuous rhythm that corresponds to the true context. The revision however, consists of only two short clauses that are inefficient in establishing the same rhythm.
Mailer’s version makes the reader feel involved in the fight by creating a similar rhythm as the fight, while the revision is much more objective.
The revision is weaker and can be improved if it adds more emphasis on the actions of the two fighters rather than the results.
Student Response: Alpha
In Mailer’s version, his second sentence uses asyndeton which speeds up the rhythm of his writing. In Mr. Wu’s version there is an ellipsis, but it isn’t as effective because the ‘fight’ should be placed closer to the ending emphatic position. Mailer’s third sentence talks about some details about the fighting, so it’s very effective to end the second sentence with an emphasis on the fight. I feel Mailer’s passage is better because it uses a short sentence about the summary and a long sentence to express his disbelief of the details. His rhythm suits his tone. Mr. Wu’s passage has little diversity in sentence length, and it should use more diversity to achieve an effective rhythm.
Student Response: Beta
The first sentence puts focus on the intensity of the rage of Emile Griffin by establishing ‘The rage’ as the subject and putting the word extreme at the end of the sentence, the emphatic position. In contrast ‘Emile was angry’ is much more dull for the focus shifts to the person rather than his rage, when ‘Emile Griffin’ is placed as the subject. Mailer ended the second sentence with ‘it’ and started the third sentence with ‘it’ again. This establishes a flow in rhythm that the revision lacks.
Also, Mailer’s third sentence consists of many clauses fixed together. This establishes a quick, continuous rhythm that corresponds to the true context. The revision however, consists of only two short clauses that are inefficient in establishing the same rhythm.
Mailer’s version makes the reader feel involved in the fight by creating a similar rhythm as the fight, while the revision is much more objective.
The revision is weaker and can be improved if it adds more emphasis on the actions of the two fighters rather than the results.